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Typhoon Joan Bearing Down on Hawaiian Islands

People of Hawaii, YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.

Bringing winds of 305 km/h (190 mph) and a record pressure of 870 hPa (mbar), Typhoon Joan is expected to make landfall at approximately 8:30pm local time.

Representatives of the Joint Typhoon Warning Center (JTWC) have issued a number of rather peculiar warnings. Residents are advised to stockpile plenty of red wine (a nice merlot maybe), chicken (not pork or beef or soy), and chocolate as the storm is expected to remain over the Islands at least until 1:25pm Monday the 23rd. Reconnaissance aircraft have reported that Joan seems not all that fond of surfing or snorkeling or boating or hiking, but it's hoped that she might be convinced otherwise. A combination of reconnaissance aircraft and satellite imagery also seemed to indicate that she's headed straight toward Pearl Harbor and some volcanoes and maybe some helicopters too.

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