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Gladius to Meet You

I've been thinking. There's something that's been on my mind for awhile and I've finally resolved to do something about it. I'm not sure where to begin, so I'm just going to come out and say it.

I'd like to talk to you about boobs and penises. Seriously. Specifically, I'd like to talk to you about why those are less-than-favorable terms -and how there are much more suitable alternatives available in the English language which we should put to better use. Surely, these wonderful appendages deserve the very best.

"Boobs". The term is pathetically comedic. Boobs, twin bozos, funbags, balloons, gazongas. It makes them sound dumb. In fact, here's one of the dictionary meanings of the word boob: "Slang. A stupid or foolish person; a dolt." Is THAT how we should be referring to women? I think not. I have too much respect for women and too much admiration for the wonderful symbols of their femininity.

Breasts is a much better word. Breasts are poetic. Breasts are romantic. Breasts are, for lack of a better word, awesome. They're so much cooler than boobs. They're not "twin bozos" to be mocked by petulant children, they're proud monuments of motherhood and sexual maturity. They're real and they're spectacular. They're not boobs though. They're breasts. Say it with me. Breasts.

And penis. Say it. Peee niss. Let the word penis roll off your tongue. It's so... clinical. It's like refering to one's knee as a patella. Who does that? Penis. It sounds like "Enos". Enos. Wasn't he the dumb@ss deputy to Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane in Hazzard County? Enos. Penis. That's just... demeaning. The male organ is surely Grander than that, isn't it? Isn't there some non-vulgar term that can be used to represent it more admirably?

There is. That word is "gladius", the Latin word for sword. Did you know that "vagina" is the the Latin word for sheath? It is. I don't know where "penis" came from, but even the least educated of Roman soldiers knew that it's a GLADIUS that goes into a vagina. Even the word gladius is cooler. It sounds like some Roman emperor. Gladius. Say it with me. Gladius. GLADIUS MAXIMUS.

So... here we are at the end of a slightly awkward conversation, but I'm glad we had it. It needed to be addressed and we're all the better for it. Please feel free to pass this along to friend and neighbors. Parents, discuss it responsibly with your children. Shout it from the rooftops. From now on, a woman's mammary glands will be collectively known as "breasts". From now on, the male reproductive organ shall be known as the "gladius". And none of us shall ever speak again of those ridiculous boobs or that sad penis.

They're cooler than that.

Thank you.


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